(I had a quasi-apology right here when I first posted this but it’s GONE. I’m not sorry.)

What is the deal with Twilight?

I do not like the Twilight series. And don’t bother telling me to “give it a chance!” I have read the whole thing. They are entertaining books. But That. Is. It.

They are like (literary) porn. They’re fast, easy, zero quality, style or commitment. And listen, (literary) porn  has it’s place. It keeps you going, gives you a little spice and zing when your (literary) life is getting slightly blah. Maybe gives you some ideas…

But there’s just something intensely weird and disturbing and off about smart, funny, attractive, highly intelligent women (even some men) going bananas over porn, even literary porn. I can’t handle people having serious discussions about which “Team” they’re on or whether or not they would have “waited” to become a vampire.

Basically, the Twilight series is a narration of a highly dependent female with a serially dominating, abusive, schizotypal boyfriend. For a short time (while she’s going through a major depressive episode, complete with suicide attempts), the dependent female swiftly becomes attached to a different male, who is paranoid and self-defeating.

And don’t get me started on motherhood as represented by the Twilight series.

I’m disgusted. It started out as mild distaste, but the hype spurred by serial movie incarnations has exacerbated it beyond repair.

Like the “team” discussions, there’s not a time when anyone stops to acknowledge that this is all really, really silly. AT NO POINT in the series is there a hint that the entire cast of characters is highly unhealthy and often seriously disturbed. Instead, it exalts narcissism, romanticizes violence (specifically sexual violence), and glorifies destructive decision-making. To delight in and discuss this series as if it’s anything but throwaway fluff really, really bothers me.

RiffTrax is also highly entertaining, and useful when I don’t have time to re-create whole movies myself. It’s down-loadable audio tracks from the guys who did Mystery Science Theater 3000. For about four bucks, I get a whole new (funnier) movie (also available in PAL format, for my overseas friends!).

A segment of the riffing is featured in this article, written about the terrible lessons girls learn by reading/watching Twilight. A sample:

“1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores you or is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in love with you — and you are the point of his existence.”

“14. If the boy you are in love with causes you (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten you end up in the hospital, you should tell the doctors and your family that you ‘fell down the steps’ because you are such a silly, clumsy girl.”

Twilight
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